Why Aren't Guys Investing More in Online Dates?

Trying to set up a date with a cute guy on Bumble recently had me all kinds of stressed out. We don’t live close to each other, but he’s routinely in my area for work, so I’d suggested we meet for cocktails or dinner before his nightly ride home. But he was insistent upon midday coffee.

During the week, he’d text me randomly that he might be done with clients on the other side of town at 4 P.M. that day, and could I grab coffee with him for a few minutes then? I’d tell him I was busy at work in the late afternoon, so no, but was he up for happy hour instead? He’d always say no and suggest we have coffee or lunch between his meetings on another workday. I’d even offered to visit his town on a weekend night, but he declined.
This went on for two or three weeks before I finally stopped replying to his texts. I began to feel less like a romantic option and more like a pesky intern or junior assistant he’d promised he’d squeeze into his workday—not exactly sexy. A few days later, I came across another guy on the app whose profile read, “Please know that our first meeting will be over coffee or tea only.” Huh? So is this a thing now? I told a friend about it, and she offered up a story of a Tinder match who’d just taken her to a buffet complete with plastic plates and cafeteria-style trays for their first date. He said they could go on a more "official," romantic date once they decided they liked each other—or, reading between the lines, when he figured out he liked her and she was worth it.I grew up hearing tales of men who tried super hard to impress a woman on a first date: putting on a nice outfit, bringing her flowers, taking her to the best restaurant in town. These stories implied the guys wanted to pull out all the stops to show they were worthy of a woman’s time and attention. So what changed? Why do women in 2016 now need to find love in Starbucks during an inconvenient 20-minute coffee break or prove ourselves before we’re upgraded to real silverware?According to licensed clinical psychologist Suzana Flores, Psy.D., author of Facehooked: How Facebook Affects Our Emotions, Relationships, and Lives, men these days aren’t doing as much to impress women because they don’t have to. “Before when men were wooing women, things weren’t easy,” she continues. “First impressions used to matter a lot. Now your first impression is [already made by your profile] on your smartphone.” Flores explains that the notion that we all are manipulating our profiles and photos in order to create a glittery illusion of who we are may be one reason men might not want to invest time and money in a proper date. Before online dating, a guy would meet a potential partner in person or through a friend. She likely wasn’t a complete stranger, so he knew what he was getting into. Today, a woman could show up and not look anything like her pictures or be way less outgoing than her “I’m an adventurer” profile lets on. So guys might be starting from an expectation of immediate disappointment, Flores explains, thinking, "I don’t have to put in effort up front because she’s probably not who she says she is."Plus, with myriad dating sites and apps available, there’s a seemingly endless pool of potential love connections all just a tap of a phone screen away. Guys on these sites probably aren’t dating just one person at a time, so they might be trying to fit as many quick meet-ups into their schedule as possible. But, Flores says, brevity is an enemy of intimacy: “If something is seen as brief, it’s no longer seen as valuable.” So my Bumble guy probably wasn’t too heartbroken that meeting me didn’t pan out since he probably had other coffee dates lined up. “If something doesn’t work out, you can find an immediate replacement in the swipe of a finger,” Flores says.The cons of this trend for women are pretty obvious, but one pro is that it lets you find out quickly who is willing to put in the effort to win you over, Flores says. And what about the cons for guys? Well, for one thing, she says, “men are denying themselves the opportunity to really get to know someone.” While we wait for them to realize this, women don’t need to sit around lamenting the digital revolution and resigning ourselves to poorly worded texts and afternoon lattes as long as we’re single. 1. Make the Rules Flores advises that we first take ownership of the role we play in the state of modern romance and move on from there. “Women have made it too easy,” she says. “We are buying into these rules. One thing women don’t know is that men don’t understand why we make it so easy. They get bored.” Flores says men often become fascinated by women with high standards, especially when, in their experience, other women will give in and just go along with what they want. Flores explains that there’s nothing wrong with telling a guy you’d prefer to meet for dinner not coffee, then standing by it. Although dating apps are seemingly geared toward player types, don’t forget that there are plenty of fish in the sea for a girl like you. “Don’t back down if he says no,” Flores says. “You have the option to move on too.” She says women should stop being so accommodating by continuing to accept brief encounters and meetings without substance. “Most men like for women to enforce boundaries,” she adds. “If you’re not OK with something, say so.”2. Stop Emailing and Texting Flores also would like to see singles get back to talking on the phone, something she asked her now husband to do after three emails when they met on a dating site. She says emails and texts don’t allow for the level of intimacy you can build when you hear someone’s tone and the emotion in their voice. Short bursts of written communication can be cold and distant and encourage miscommunication, especially at first.3. Value Yourself Know what your dating expectations are and stick to them. “Are you worth a continuous cup of coffee or are you worth more?” Flores asks. “Not just his time, but your time is important too.” And don’t think you’re being demanding by speaking up for yourself. The right guy will respect—and really like—that about you.“Women get to decide how far things go,” Flores says. “Men have to meet their standards. Women can swipe left too.”