The Dos and Don'ts of Online Dating, by Lady Dynamite's Maria Bamford

Maria Bamford is known for her honest, animated, and highly original standup—but, luckily for anyone who hasn't seen it, you can experience her fantastic comedic outlook from your couch, starting today. Lady Dynamite is her new Netflix comedy series, and Bamford's long dating career figures heavily into the fun. But it turns out that Bamford isn't just great at spinning her OkCupid days into funny story lines—she also happens to give amazing online-dating advice. Here are her best tips:
DON’T start looking for a relationship online until you’re actually ready for a relationship. "I think I went on at least 50 dates via the Internet. It could have been closer to 100. Had I kept a written record, there would have been a lot of entries that read, “Very nice guy.” Now that I’m married to my beloved Scott Marvel Cassidy—a painter and funny goofball—I look back and think I might have met someone earlier if I gave some of those guys a chance. I don’t think I was willing to work through my fears of responsibility and commitment and take the time and courage it takes to build a friendship with a boo."DO be real and specific in your profile—you’ll end up wasting less of your own time. "Up until the year I met Scott, I used the screen name 'FUNNY THOUGHTFUL.' It cast too wide a net. [Then I started using] 'HOGBOOK.' I love words, and I love those two words together. And I love the idea of writing a book about hogs and calling it 'hogbook.' With that screen name, I received just two responses: one from a pilot who wanted to inform me that a hog book is something pilots use, and one from Scott. My photos were all natural: one full body, one with a funny face (as a heads up, because it’s a daily occurrence) and one with my dogs."DON’T overlook free sites. "I only used OkCupid. I’ve been doing well financially for 15 years now, and I didn’t see any value in cutting out people who chose not to spend money or couldn’t afford to pay for dating sites. I want a partner in life and that doesn’t depend on income or outside fanciness."DO use your phone to do something other than text or email. "Chatting back and forth on email is good, but I think it’s also good to talk on the phone [before meeting in person]. It’s helpful in seeing if you understand each other. Over the phone, I’ve discovered language barriers I have with matches, or that they use the word 'hot' to describe everything. The phone has helped me avoid some uncomfortable coffee dates."DON’T obsess. "Set a timer to just [look at dating websites] 10 to 30 minutes a day or week, and then stop. Be kind to yourself—take a break if you’re tired—and be kind to others. Dating sites are like parties. Everyone is nervous, and some people are drunk or high. Don’t take it personally. If someone is weird, block him or her—and move on to the corner of the party where the vegetarian guy keeps winking at you."DO find yourself a “dating sponsor.” "I had a number of people—people who were in relationships I admired—whom I’d call before and after dates. That way, I wouldn’t feel so alone, and if it was slightly disastrous, I could laugh with someone later." DO trust your gut, but also…DON’T trust your gut. "My gut has been very off. In my gut, I have felt all of the following were 'the one': a bisexual meth user, an Australian clown, and a guy who refused to leave a restaurant after they [mistakenly] put mayo on his sandwich. My gut said that Scott was totally not my type, but what we had in common is that we’re both willing to try to love an accept and celebrate each other every day."DON’T let the ghosters get you down. "I have a friend who just had a whirlwind three-month romance with a guy. After introducing her to his kids, inviting all of us to dinner with his friends and talking about a future together, he ghosted. Totally weird, and yet it happens all the time. I have had it happen to me and, sadly, I have done it to others. Everyone is doing their best and sometimes, their best isn’t that good. But keep trying. If you find someone who is in it to win it—someone who’s committed, who you can laugh with—it’s really worth the risk."